What Does “Low Demand” Actually Look Like?

If you’ve been learning about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), you’ve probably come across the phrase “low demand approach.”

But what does that actually mean in day-to-day life?

Is it letting kids do whatever they want?

Is it never asking them to brush their teeth or put on shoes?

Is it just avoiding meltdowns at all costs?

Not quite.

A low demand approach is about reducing pressure to protect a child’s regulation, autonomy, and safety, especially when their nervous system perceives demands as threats. It’s a way of parenting, teaching, and supporting that centres trust and connection.

Let’s break it down and show you what it looks like in real life.

What “Demands” Might Feel Like to a PDA Child?

Demands can be external (e.g. “Put your shoes on”)

or internal (e.g. “I should say thank you”).

They can come from:

• Spoken instructions

• Visual schedules

• Praise or rewards

• Social expectations

• Even choices if they feel like a trap

The low demand approach recognises this and aims to reduce the perceived threat behind those demands.

So What Does “Low Demand” Actually Look Like?

Here’s what it does not mean:

• Letting the child run wild

• Avoiding all responsibility

• Being permissive or disengaged

Here’s what it does mean:

• Being flexible with expectations

• Prioritising regulation over tasks

• Offering gentle invitations instead of instructions

• Co-creating routines and boundaries with the child

• Backing off when the child is in distress

Real-Life Examples of Low Demand in Action

Here are some everyday scenarios, before and after applying a low demand lens:

Scenario	High-Demand Approach	Low-Demand Alternative
Getting Dressed	“It’s time to get dressed. Come on, now!”	“Would you like to get dressed now or after breakfast?” (Or simply strew the clothes without saying anything.)
Leaving the House	“We’re leaving in 5 minutes. Let’s go!”	“I’m going to get the car ready. Would you like to race me to the door like snails or superheroes?”
Tooth Brushing	“Go brush your teeth now or you’ll get cavities!”	“Would you like the watermelon toothpaste or the mint one tonight?” (Or offer to brush while watching something calming.)
Homework / Learning	“You need to finish your homework before dinner.”	“I’m curious what you’d like to explore today. Do you want to show me a video you like or draw something instead of writing?”
Mealtimes	“You have to sit at the table and finish your food.”	“Would you like a snack plate or a picnic rug today?” (Or invite them to make their own plate with their favourite foods.)

Scripts for Low-Demand Communication

• “I wonder if…”

• “Would you like to… or…?”

• “You can join me when you’re ready.”

• “I’ll be over here if you need help.”

• “What would feel okay right now?”

• “No rush. Let’s take it slow.”

How to Spot When It’s Still Too Much

Even with lowered demands, some kids will still become distressed. That’s okay.

Look for signs like:

• Avoidance, refusal, or bargaining

• Emotional outbursts

• Physical withdrawal or shutdown

• Over-the-top silliness (often a sign of dysregulation)

That’s your cue to drop the rope and focus on co-regulation first.

Visual Supports for Low Demand

Visuals should support autonomy, not add pressure. Try:

• Choice boards (e.g. “Which of these 2 feels better?”)

• No-pressure routine cards (e.g. “Things I might do today”)

• Emotion check-ins instead of behavioural charts

Would you like a printable set of these? Just ask and I’ll make one!

Final Thoughts: Low Demand ≠ Low Expectations

You are not lowering your hopes for your child, you are protecting their safety so they can thrive on their own terms.

When we remove pressure, what’s left is space:

For trust. For connection. For autonomy. For learning.

And that’s where growth begins.

Still regulating, still caffeinating (and always dropping the rope),

Jisel ☕🧠