“Taking Turns” Isn’t Always Fair: Rethinking Compromise for Neurodivergent Kids

A new grad recently told a parent, “He got to choose today, so next week it’ll be my choice.”And my whole nervous system just screamed: nope!

Not because they meant any harm. They were trying to teach flexibility and fairness but because this approach misses a vital truth: compromise is a developmental skill, not a moral expectation. And for neurodivergent kids, especially those with PDA profiles or anxiety, it’s a skill that comes much later, once they feel consistently safe and in control of their environment.

The Myth of “Fairness”

We’re so conditioned to believe that “fair” means equal turn-taking; you got your way, now it’s my turn. But for a nervous system that’s wired for survival, that’s not fairness. That’s threat.

When a child feels powerless, asking them to “compromise” isn’t teaching cooperation; it’s teaching fear. The message becomes, “My needs only matter half the time.”

Instead of fairness, we should be aiming for felt safety.

What Compromise Actually Requires

To truly compromise, a child needs:

1. A regulated nervous system (so they can think beyond immediate survival)

2. A sense of agency (so their “yes” and “no” actually mean something)

3. Trust that their needs will still be met, even when they share control

If those ingredients aren’t there, “taking turns” becomes a demand. And for PDA kids, that’s like lighting a match near gasoline.

What to Do Instead

Instead of alternating control (“my choice / your choice”), think shared curiosity and co-creation.

Try:

• “Let’s see if we can find something that works for both of us.”

• “You start by showing me your idea, then I’ll show mine and we can mash them together.”

• “How can we make this feel good for both of us?”

It’s subtle, but the shift from fairness to collaboration makes all the difference.

You’re not taking away structure, you’re taking away the power struggle.

Age-Appropriate Expectations

Let’s be real: compromise requires emotional regulation, perspective-taking, and flexibility; all of which develop over years, and often later for neurodivergent children.

So when a 7-year-old PDA child can sometimes accept a change, or can occasionally take turns, that’s huge. That’s not failure, that’s growth.

Expecting them to compromise consistently before they’ve built safety is like asking someone to swim before they’ve even trusted the water.

Final Thoughts

So no, “my turn, your turn” isn’t a neutral concept. It’s a demand disguised as fairness.

For our neurodivergent kids, safety must come before sharing, and connection must come before compromise.When they feel truly safe, collaboration happens naturally and you don’t have to force it.

Until next time, keep caffeinating, regulating,

and trading power struggles for partnership

Jisel☕💛