Setting Boundaries with a PDA Lens: It’s Possible (And Necessary!)

When you first learn about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), it’s easy to think setting boundaries might be impossible or even harmful. After all, children with a PDA profile experience anxiety when faced with demands, even tiny ones. Shouldn’t we remove all expectations to keep them regulated?

Here’s the truth:

Boundaries are not the enemy.

Control battles are.

When we approach boundaries collaboratively and through connection, we protect our child’s regulation and their sense of safety. Boundaries aren’t about taking power over a PDA child, they’re about creating a world that feels safe, predictable, and respectful for them.

Let’s dive into how we can set boundaries with a PDA lens without falling into battles, burnout, or blame.

What Makes Boundaries Different for PDA Kids?

For children with PDA, even everyday interactions can feel like demands:

• “Come have a shower.”

• “Please pack your bag.”

• “It's time to leave now.”

Their nervous system doesn’t separate helpful reminders from threats to autonomy. Boundaries that feel like ultimatums (“Do it or else”) can trigger huge survival responses, fight, flight, freeze, or shutdown.

But having no boundaries isn’t the answer either.

Children with PDA need structure.

They need to know the adults around them are safe, reliable, and can gently hold the edges when things feel chaotic inside.

How to Set Boundaries Through Collaboration, Not Control

1. Shift from “You Must” to “Let’s Work Together"

Instead of giving orders, we invite collaboration:

• Instead of: “You have to brush your teeth now.”

• Try: “Our teeth need looking after. Would you like to choose the toothpaste or the toothbrush today?”

Giving small choices within the boundary restores a sense of agency.

2. Be Clear and Predictable (But Flexible)

PDA kids thrive on predictability but also need flexibility around how things happen.

• Set the boundary: “We will be leaving the park when it gets dark.”

• Offer flexibility: “Would you like a five-minute warning or a countdown?”

Clear, calm language lowers the anxiety around what’s coming next.

3. Use Connection First, Not Correction

Regulation must come before problem-solving or reminders.

• Validate their feelings: “I know it’s really hard to stop playing when you’re having fun.”

• Connect emotionally before you guide them toward the next step.

4. Lower the Demand Energy

Sometimes it’s not the boundary itself, it’s the energy behind it that triggers anxiety.

• Use soft body language (kneel down, open hands).

• Use gentle, playful phrasing (maybe even humour).

• Avoid the “power over” tone; invite, wonder aloud, and make it feel safe.

5. Offer Repair When Needed

Even when we do everything right, sometimes the boundary will still feel like too much and that’s okay.

• If a meltdown happens, focus on safety and co-regulation first.

• Later, you can repair: “I’m sorry that felt really hard. I love you, even when things are tough.”

Repair builds long-term trust, even more than “getting it right” in the moment.

Examples of PDA-Sensitive Boundaries

Traditional Approach	PDA-Sensitive Approach
“You have to eat dinner now.”	“Your body needs energy. Would you like your food on a plate or a picnic rug today?”
“Stop shouting!”	“Your voice is really big. Can we find a way to show your feelings that feels safe for both of us?”
“You must clean up your toys.”	“Would you like to race me to see who can pick up more toys in one minute?”

Final Thoughts: Boundaries Are Acts of Love

When boundaries are collaborative, flexible, and infused with connection, they don’t feel like punishments.

They feel like safety.

They show our PDA children that we can be trusted to be the calm in their storms, not another source of pressure.

Setting boundaries with a PDA lens is absolutely possible and so necessary for building a relationship based on trust, regulation, and true emotional safety.

You are doing incredibly important work by learning, shifting, and adapting for your child.

I’m walking this path alongside you and cheering you on every step of the way.

I hope this post helped you feel seen, supported, and a little less alone. You’re doing incredible work.

Still regulating, still caffeinating,

Jisel ☕🧠