School Refusal and PDA: When Safety Comes Before Attendance
- Jisel Motbey
- May 10
- 3 min read
Updated: Aug 8
If you’re parenting or working with a child who has a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile, you’re likely no stranger to the term school refusal. But for families living it, that term barely scratches the surface of what’s really happening.
It’s not about a child “just not wanting to go.”
It’s not about laziness, defiance, or needing stricter routines.
It’s about safety.
Emotional.
Sensory.
Nervous system safety.
And when school doesn’t feel safe, the body says: “I can’t.”
What School Refusal Can Look Like in PDA
Children with PDA often experience extreme anxiety in response to perceived demands, including the demand to attend school. Because PDA involves a nervous system-based need for control, environments like schools can quickly become overwhelming.
You might see:
Daily morning meltdowns, shutdowns, or stomach aches
Constant requests to stay home
Masking at school and crashing at home
Avoidance of homework or even talking about school
A complete refusal to enter the school building
And behind all of it is a nervous system in self-protection mode.
Why Traditional Strategies Often Backfire
Common responses like reward charts, firm routines, or consequences for non-attendance might work for other children but, for PDA kids, these strategies often escalate anxiety.
Because when a PDA child feels coerced or trapped, their system interprets it as danger.
And you can’t reason with a brain in survival mode.
Understanding the Root: It’s Not “Won’t," It’s “Can’t”
The refusal isn’t a behavioural choice. It’s a physiological response. The child’s brain and body are saying no because school has become too demanding, unpredictable, or overwhelming.
This might be due to:
Social demands (interactions, performance pressure)
Sensory overwhelm (noise, lights, transitions)
Lack of autonomy (timetables, expectations, limited escape options)
Feeling misunderstood or unsupported
What Helps Instead? A Low-Demand, Safety-First Approach
To support a PDA child experiencing school refusal, the goal isn’t to force re-entry, it’s to co-create safety and rebuild trust at their pace.
Here’s what that might include:
Validate Their Experience
“I hear you. I believe you. I know it feels too hard right now.”
Validation doesn’t mean agreement, it means connection.
Reduce the Pressure
Even well-meant conversations like, “What would help you get back to school?” can feel demanding. Instead, focus on present-moment regulation. Lower the conversation, lower the demand, and wait.
Prioritise Nervous System Regulation Over Attendance
Therapy, connection, time outdoors, sensory play, these aren’t rewards for skipping school. They’re necessary supports for a child in distress.
Collaborate with the School, If Safe to Do So
If the school is open to PDA-friendly strategies, work together to:
Offer part-time, flexible, or home-based learning
Create exit plans and low-demand zones
Remove attendance pressure temporarily
Allow for gradual re-entry at the child’s pace
If the school isn’t safe or understanding, it’s okay to pause and protect your child’s wellbeing first.
Seek Out PDA-Informed Professionals
Whether it’s an OT (such as myself), psychologist, support worker, or educator, having someone on board who understands PDA makes all the difference. It also helps reduce blame and isolation for the family.
Reframing “School Refusal” as “School-Based Trauma”
For many PDA families, school refusal is actually a trauma response.
What starts as overwhelm becomes shutdown. What starts as avoidance becomes fear.
Children don’t thrive in environments where their autonomy, safety, and regulation are under constant threat. That’s why the real question isn’t: “How do we get them back to school?”
It’s: “What kind of environment will help them feel safe enough to learn?”
You’re Not Failing. You’re Protecting.
If your child isn’t attending school right now, you are not behind.
You are not giving up.
You are listening.
You are protecting regulation, not avoiding responsibility.
And that is incredibly brave.
Still regulating, still caffeinating, and definitely not
chasing attendance over nervous system safety,
Jisel ☕🧠
If you’d like to explore more about PDA, school refusal, and low-demand approaches, here are some helpful resources:
The PDA Society (UK) – Understanding School Attendance Difficulties in PDA
A trusted resource for families and professionals supporting PDA learners.
National Education Union (NEU) & PDA Society – Guidance for Educators Working with PDA
Practical strategies to support PDA students in mainstream and alternative settings.
Dr. Ross Greene – The Explosive Child & www.livesinthebalance.org
Highlights collaborative problem solving and low-demand, relationship-based support.
Yenn Purkis & Emma Goodall – The Guide to Good Mental Health on the Autism Spectrum
Includes real-world insight on anxiety, masking, and how traditional systems can fail neurodivergent children.
Sally Cat – PDA by PDAers
A must-read for hearing from PDA adults in their own words.
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