PDA and Name-Calling: It’s Not Personal (Even When It Feels That Way)

Jisel Motbey
Jun 12
3 min read

Updated: Aug 8

If you live or work with a child who has a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile, chances are you’ve heard it all:

“You’re the worst parent ever!”

“I hate you!”

“You’re so mean and stupid!”

“Go away, you idiot!”

Words that cut.

Words that feel aggressive or cruel.

Words that, on the surface, sound like a child trying to hurt you.

But here’s the truth: these words are not personal.And they are not a sign that your child is bad, broken, or deliberately disrespectful.

They are often signs of distress, nervous system overload, and a brain trying to protect itself.

Let’s unpack why name-calling happens in PDA children and how we can respond in ways that support safety, regulation, and connection.

Why Name-Calling Happens in PDA

For a child with a PDA profile, the world often feels overwhelming, unpredictable, and full of demands, big and small. Even things like brushing teeth, getting dressed, or being asked a question can activate a fight, flight, freeze, or fawnresponse.

When the fight response is triggered, and the child feels trapped or powerless, their nervous system may choose the quickest way to push back or gain control and that’s often through words.

Name-calling is not a planned, manipulative act.It’s a nervous system reflex, a dysregulated brain doing what it can to survive the moment.

The Brain Under Threat

When your child lashes out with words, their prefrontal cortex (the thinking, reasoning, logic part of the brain) is offline.What’s driving the ship now? The limbic system, the emotional brain that reacts to perceived danger.

They are not calmly thinking, “I want to hurt Mum’s feelings.”They are reacting with a survival-based “GET AWAY FROM ME” in the only language they have access to in that moment.

It’s not about you.It’s not even really about them.It’s about a body and brain crying out for safety.

Don’t Take It Personally, Seriously

This is so important, I’ll say it again:

Don’t take it personally.

Easier said than done, right? Because of course it feels awful to be called names by your child or student. It’s human to feel hurt or frustrated.

But when we take offence, we move into power struggles, shame cycles, and “I’ll show you who’s in charge” energy, none of which helps regulation.

Instead, try reminding yourself:

“This is a dysregulated child. Not a disrespectful one.”

“This isn’t about me. This is about their safety.”

“I don’t need to fix the words. I need to support the feeling underneath.”

How to Respond to PDA Name-Calling

Here are some PDA-friendly responses you can use when name-calling happens:

What You Might Say	Why It Helps
“You’re really upset right now. I’m going to stay close and help you feel safe.”	Acknowledges emotion without shaming the words.
“That was a big feeling. I can handle it.”	Shows you’re a safe adult, even when emotions are intense.
“Words can hurt, but I know that came from a hard moment.”	Teaches empathy after the moment, not during.
“I’ll give you some space and be here when you're ready.”	Respects their autonomy and nervous system needs.

Later, once your child is regulated, you can gently repair:

“You said some really big things before. That told me how overwhelmed you were. I love you no matter what.”

Relationship Over Reaction

Children with PDA often experience the world as unsafe and unpredictable. In those moments of overwhelm, they need connection over correction, and relationship over rules.

When we can meet their dysregulation with emotional safety, we teach them something profound:

“Even when your words are wild, I still see the good in you.”

“Even when things feel out of control, I won’t take it out on you.”

“Even when your brain is shouting, I’ll keep showing up calmly.”

This doesn’t mean letting go of boundaries.But it does mean shifting how we hold them, with curiosity, compassion, and the long view in mind.

Final Thoughts

Name-calling can be one of the hardest things to navigate as a parent, carer, or educator.

It’s not about letting kids “get away with it.”It’s about understanding why it’s happening, so we can respond in ways that build safety, regulation, and trust, not shame.

And when we do that, we are not just changing behaviour.

We are changing brains.

We are rewiring relationships.

We are raising kids who know they’re safe to be messy and still be loved.

You’ve got this. You’re not alone.